WHAT A LIFE
by TieDyeJackson
Summary: Funny Crack-fic that I wrote off the top of my head this morning - non-betaed - Being A Teenager Is Rough. Being A Whedonverse Teenager Is Hell.


T.A. Osbourne felt like being a teenager was the end of the world.

In fact, it was worse than the end of the world, she knew that for a fact, having experienced several near apocalypses (apockalypti?) in her fifteen years of life. In fact, she was longing for some megalomaniacal vampire with delusions of grandeur or an evil witch (Sorry, Aunt Willow!) as opposed to the embarrassment that was her life right now.

"Aunt Illyria! Put Him Down NOW !", She somehow manage to squeak out between her pursed lips and beet-red face.

Aunt Illyria turned to her with her ever present stone-cold face, oblivious to the boy quickly turning purple while attempting and failing to beat the arm that help him off the floor with such ease.

"Your mother requested we protect you. He smells of water-based lubricant and male ejaculate. I believe he wishes to copulate with you… I wish to prevent your premature impregnation" Aunt Illyiria spoke as plain as day.

Just when she thought she couldn't get anymore embarrassed, soo much for that idea.

"UNCLE SPIKE, HELP HIM PLEASE", She shrilled out at an almost inhuman level.

While she didn't find this amusing at all, her undead uncle did not share the same viewpoint, between the tears, the laughter and the unneeded gasps for air.

"Blue….Luv…Leave the poor sod alone… I don't think…he'll be up for much…copulating"

The colour returned to Liam's face as Aunt Illyria rolled her eyes and followed instructions.

"I let him go, only because I wish it."

"Yes, Dear" Spike tried to look quite serious and failed miserably.

"I'm sooo sorry" T.A. mumbled, rubbing Liam's chest as he tried to regain his breath and his footing.

"It's all good… ummm… I just remembered… I have a cat…that needs… shampooing….yeah going home to shampoo that old cat of mine….", Liam stumbled out the door.

"But I was going to help you with your biology homework!" T.A. called out.

"I've …uhhh…decided being a doctor isn't for me… I've decided to follow my passion and become …uhhh…. A chimney sweep instead" He fumbled out and as the door clicked shut she knew he was long gone.

"DAMNIT, I REALLY LIKED HIM…AND YOU RUINED IT…. YOU KNOW IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S EASY FOR ME TO FIND A BOYFRIEND RIGHT… WITH MONSTERS IN THE FAMILY… AND BEING A SLAYER AND A WEREWOLF…WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO A BOY …. HEY HONEY…I CAN BENCH YOU OVER MY HEAD AND SOMETIMES I HAVE HAIR THAT NO AMMOUNT OF LADY NAIR WILL CONQUER!...I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH!"

"What is going on Jr B?"

Aunt Faith rounded the corner with a flustered Andrew.

"Yeah…we were just trying to make l…level…a very hard level in my D&D campaign." Andrew quickly shut up.

T.A. rolled her eyes.

"Well, I guess, he is correct… The Shire is his pet name for my v…"

"Aunt FAITH!"

"Sorry, anyway…what's the damage, Jr B?" Faith chuckled.

"Blue chased off her little Captain Cardboard" Spike sighed.

"WHA…ARRGGGG…GOD, I HATE YOU ALL!" T.A. screamed as she stormed up the stairs.

At that moment, Buffy and Oz came through the front entrance.

"It's good for a man to come home to his castle…. Especially when it is an actual castle…have I mentioned I love living in England, you know besides the constant threat of death…and the rain" Oz mused.

Faith looked at Andrew like he was her next meal. "We need to get back to …D&D" She said, pulling a panicky Andrew back down to their room.

"Oh No… I know that look … ELECTRIC BANANA…..ELECTRIC BANNNNNNNNAAAANNNNNNNAAAA" Andrew cried until the door silenced him.

The four now in the foyer looked upon the wake of the awkward scene.

"1) Brain, Eye, and Ear Bleach Please," Buffy broke the pause "and 2) Does Andrew see the futility in having a safe word with Faith?"

"On that note", Spike bounced on his heels, "How did it go with the Fyarl Nest?"

"One Word…Messy" Buffy replied. "How about you guys?"

Spike's response was muffled by the sound of a door slamming and cracking upstairs.

Buffy sighed, "What did she do now?"

"Your Spawn is upset that I interrupted her attempt at copulation with a lowly human worm" Illyria replied.

"TARA ANYANKA SUMMERS OSBOURNE…. YOU GET DOWN HER NOWWWWWW!"


End file.
